My Modern Old Asylum

I dont wanna consider myself a martyr. These past days, everytime I go home, all I pretty do is to eat my pride and stretch my patience. Every opportunity to do some chore, I grab it. Every little mess, I clean it up. I just dont wanna hear anything from OJ.

OJ is my new housemate now. He is extremely egocentric. A kind of person who is too proud of himself. Overflowing arrogance. Abyssic insecurity.

He is one of those bitter fellas, like my ex... the monster.

One night he bursted with tears. He admitted that he likes me since we've had this sentimental conversation one evening about our childhood misfortunes. He was a battered kid, and so I was. He told me he was too stupid to fall for me. I was so apathetic that I did not even appreciate all he did for our apartment. He murmured that all those things are for me and not for himself. All, with a total of P25,000, more or less.

Now, I'm suffering with his vehemence.

What is wrong with me? Why it always ends this way? There is always cynicism. Im tired of this animosity.

Someday I know, these things will be over. My hopes are the only ones driving me survive. Every morning as I wake up, I keep on believing that things will gonna be ok. That, no matter how poignant the relationship is, there are still positives left in this apartment that I could enjoy, and just focus on those good ones. Like an asylum, it is where your crazy folks are captive. No enough illumination, no scenes of company, and all you hear are your echoes. It is cold and it is dark. But, until when can I take these? I hope my patience is good enough until I could leave without bad traces. Like Sybil captive from the dark cell, and fused into one sane personality. Well, did I just imply extreme patience and insane perseverance?

"Nah... I hope I'm not sounding martyr. "

"Well, right. Whatever."

Exhaustion

I dont look at myself being good at all. I see a lot of aspects needed to be renewed. The way I groom, the way I work, the way I fall in love and the way I see my self. I know this sounds an issue of self-esteem, more than an issue of love nor of carrer. These past days, I had too much of mental blocks. I do not enjoy a feel good movie, I hardly follow a conversation, my patience seems so shallow, and my understanding seems so limited.

... thanks, I still find comfort with my baby.

I have been so restless lately, striving to cath things up. I am romping up my performance with my job because next month is my make or break for my regularization. I am always bothered about the floor that I need to fix. When should I gonna fix it and until when? Will I end up having a record with the NBI for not fixing the broken floor within the given time frame? Another thing is, my new house mate, no matter how I stretch my patience, I get pist off him. I get mouthed to almost everything I do. He is being unpleasant to my visitors. He is being, most of the time, very unpleasant to my eyes. The idea of him boils my head. However, the only feasible choice is to persevere. Lastly, I lost my wallet just last night, with all the importnat documents and cards. I really really feel so bad with all these happening to me right now. All of these things simultaneously coming in a flash infront of me. This is damn a hair loss.

Optimistically, I wanna move on with flying colors. I dont want to just surrender. I will face them one by one, taking a step at a time. I know the transition period is hard, but the it's the way it is. They freeze my head, but I need to think. I need to think to look for a better solution. I need to rationalize to lighten up my emotions. My body has gotten weak, but still thriving to move on. I must keep on doing what I ritually do but with a little difficulty day by day. A little more effort to be extra careful and calm, and stay civil. Though, I still afford to fire a laugh but less than I drowse of confusion.

Hope and despair are at their verge right now. I'm still coping, living and fighting. I love you, and you kow who you are... the accidental theorist.

His Stupid Revenge

I call myself a happy-go-lucky person. No grudges, no special effects, no unnecessary efforts... just being with what is the here-and-now. I did not anticipate that one person's failure would lead me to so much peril and I am more concern of my job. It is like a nightmare, that always surprises me at work. My co-workers, who were my former house mates, are the message keeper who bring the news every time there is another improvement, or should I say, if things are getting worse.

On a fine Tuesday afternoon, I saw Chang in her fit black outfit and a pair of capri pants approaching me and greeted her that I already knew what happend. I was surprised of my innocence despite the fact that I have already asked for an apology to Potchi whom his room right now is left with an ugly flooring. I took my carpets without his permission and left the vinyl tiles broken and cracked. Anyway, those vinyl tiles are really old and brittle, no matter how careful you detach the carpets, there is no way to miss a crack. Then I left my old house that evening without any intentions of going back, at all.

Ironically, it seems like my old house is going back at me right now. A mad monster is not stopping from bothering me. Out of Potchi's dismay being left with the broken flooring, he flaired up and made our insecure landlord (who happens to be my "ex") found an opportunity to get even, reasons, mystify me. He incenerated Potchi's weakness and called the police. He accused me of things I did not do. He reported me who stole P5,000.00, I broke the knob of the door, and destroyed the screen in the ventilations of the wall perpendicular to the ceiling where I entered to get inside. 98% are lies, but yes, I enetered through the ventilations but there is no screen at all that I need to destroy, I passed there with Josie's (the helper) permission because it is anyway, where the landlord's brother, BJ, passes through when he wanna get inside of the room. Seemingly questioning why BJ needs to, but I was more concerned of my belongings locked inside that unfortunate room that time. Right from where I was seated that day in the office, we hurried up to the police station and hoping I could explain my side. However, we arrive at the station without the policemen anymore. Luckily, we waived at a police cab approaching and we are able to talk with another policeman, explained what happend and said that there is nothing to worry about. The report has not reached the authorities' attention. I wanna laugh at Dexter's face. He's nothing but a pathetic looser.

I wanna think that we lived happily ever after, apart; until I got the news just today that the policemen came back, had a talk with Dexter, the policemen would need my presence for a talk to settle things down by tomorrow and I'll lose P5,000.00 for the damage.

Damage?
You mean the vinyl tiles?
Damn!
I could fix those myself.

Basically, to end this up... I'm simply very unhappy about these things. I dont know how monsters think, but i pity them. I wish everyone happiness, so I'd be happy as well. It is just so sad to know for people who have been enormously frustrated. Unfortunately, without the capacity to handle such misfortunes that come to their lives. I just wanna be a friend to everybody, but it seems like it won't really work that way. I can't please everybody even at all cost. For this, I depend on Him, Whom I know has always been there... ever.

Ü