Dear Semantic Surplus

I dont know why loving should be difficult. It makes you question so much about yourself and the other person. It delineates you from your previous priorities. It gives you doubts, insecurities, anxiety... things I always try avoid.

I guess it is part of loving by mistake. I guess what they say is true. Emotion is an imitation of love. I guess Im just a big emotional creature. There is this longing to find a "somebody" and taking advantage of whomever would come. I exhaust my flexibility just to make things work. I keep on convincing myself that he is the right person despite some dissatisfaction and disappointment. Im just trying to fill in the gaps and glide with the bumps. Finally, exhaustion is exhaustion... I get jaded at the end of the battle.

Some questions are... Why is he not with me when we are together? I'm questionning why does he have to find somebody else? There is nothing we can do when it is just the two of us, there should be another party -- a friend, a closefriend... anyone would do. From what I have been through with Angel (mr ex for 6 months, the longest and the most serious so far), he left me and the transition process is a damn hell. I just dont want it to happen again. It is so painful. I've almost forgot myself.

We have couples of conversations. Some are unforgettable ones, intimate, and romantic. We have found a good friendship with each other. We somehow share the same interest as going to movies, music, Timezone (arcade), The Providence (videoke lounge)...

Whatever lies tomorrow, I will keep those conversations, those memories and friendship.
Gudnyt!

Stew

I just realized... mistakes are awful when immortalized. I hate reading one part of this work, because it made feel disgusted of myself. I dont wanna hurt anyone, but I consider this as one of my private spaces. My blog dont talk but it speaks to me emotionally. Everytime I visit my semanticsurplus, I realize that time is measurable than what could take place within its seconds. Like me, in just a matter of 3, 5, 6 entries... I recalled myself growing and stagnated -- growing by age, stagnated by personal progression.

Awful, right?

I wanna share to all people what I have became, and what shall i gonna become. Despite shame and embarrassment, I wanna be a source of inspiration for those who are about to commit the same mistakes as Ive been through the past. A precautionary instrument that saves them from waste. I'm a waste, I admit. A big waste as could have been a better person but just chooses to be not. Name it -- laziness, irresponsibility, carelessness, undisciplined, temporal, utilitarian... I went down through it all. Nobody will ever gonna like to be "like me." Nobody.

I may be not being very nice about my self... It is just how "id-istic" I am, not minding the ego at all. I just run after what is pleasurable, fun, exciting, easy, entertaining... no perseverance, patience... every single beautiful aspect about me is overpowered by my fear and my frustrations.

Until when shall I remain this way? I am just floating, happy-go-lucky, and carefree.

Devil-may-care.

What I have became is atleast second to the last of my priorities. I have aspirations though, but they remained plans.

One day, I hope... I'll wake up, enlightened, changed, and a better person.