Chain Reaction

It is a mystery why people hurt people. We are creatures of the same form and of the same composition. We hurt each other by a mere word, an action, intentionally or unintentionally.

Circumstances happen extemporaneously, thinning and almost losing out of our control. People react and stimulate others. A single somatokinetic creates a chain reaction, rivering to from one to the other and all happens like a pendulum... it never stops.

Physics, chemistry and other physical sciences may explain how things happend, why, when... but a mere habit that is consciously or unconsciously repeated from time to time cant be precisely explained with perfection. One blink of an eye is a complex process. People from all different disciplines and interests, politics or religion, may give scientification but all of these are just a parcel of the reality of the blinking of an eye. That is why quality is never measured as mathematical as quantity. Explicit as to implicit. Overt as to covert.

Uncertainties may bring conflicts. That is why harmony is never achievable. The nature-nurture brings about perplexities towards each individual. These partial realities hold possible truth about existence. Somehow, somwhere living is a superhuman challenge. Intervening the idea of peace, it is a surmise of an immemorial disillusion and love being bounded with ramified intricacy.

Simple logic: a thinker as the stubborn and the feeler as the comprimising. The impulse of opposition is hurting symbiotic equilibrium.

Mysteries happen everyday. Human acts depict them. Let us be a feeler and pay some sensitivity. Empathy and selflessness, everything will be rewarded, it it always a chain reaction.

Dear Semantic Surplus

I dont know why loving should be difficult. It makes you question so much about yourself and the other person. It delineates you from your previous priorities. It gives you doubts, insecurities, anxiety... things I always try avoid.

I guess it is part of loving by mistake. I guess what they say is true. Emotion is an imitation of love. I guess Im just a big emotional creature. There is this longing to find a "somebody" and taking advantage of whomever would come. I exhaust my flexibility just to make things work. I keep on convincing myself that he is the right person despite some dissatisfaction and disappointment. Im just trying to fill in the gaps and glide with the bumps. Finally, exhaustion is exhaustion... I get jaded at the end of the battle.

Some questions are... Why is he not with me when we are together? I'm questionning why does he have to find somebody else? There is nothing we can do when it is just the two of us, there should be another party -- a friend, a closefriend... anyone would do. From what I have been through with Angel (mr ex for 6 months, the longest and the most serious so far), he left me and the transition process is a damn hell. I just dont want it to happen again. It is so painful. I've almost forgot myself.

We have couples of conversations. Some are unforgettable ones, intimate, and romantic. We have found a good friendship with each other. We somehow share the same interest as going to movies, music, Timezone (arcade), The Providence (videoke lounge)...

Whatever lies tomorrow, I will keep those conversations, those memories and friendship.
Gudnyt!

Stew

I just realized... mistakes are awful when immortalized. I hate reading one part of this work, because it made feel disgusted of myself. I dont wanna hurt anyone, but I consider this as one of my private spaces. My blog dont talk but it speaks to me emotionally. Everytime I visit my semanticsurplus, I realize that time is measurable than what could take place within its seconds. Like me, in just a matter of 3, 5, 6 entries... I recalled myself growing and stagnated -- growing by age, stagnated by personal progression.

Awful, right?

I wanna share to all people what I have became, and what shall i gonna become. Despite shame and embarrassment, I wanna be a source of inspiration for those who are about to commit the same mistakes as Ive been through the past. A precautionary instrument that saves them from waste. I'm a waste, I admit. A big waste as could have been a better person but just chooses to be not. Name it -- laziness, irresponsibility, carelessness, undisciplined, temporal, utilitarian... I went down through it all. Nobody will ever gonna like to be "like me." Nobody.

I may be not being very nice about my self... It is just how "id-istic" I am, not minding the ego at all. I just run after what is pleasurable, fun, exciting, easy, entertaining... no perseverance, patience... every single beautiful aspect about me is overpowered by my fear and my frustrations.

Until when shall I remain this way? I am just floating, happy-go-lucky, and carefree.

Devil-may-care.

What I have became is atleast second to the last of my priorities. I have aspirations though, but they remained plans.

One day, I hope... I'll wake up, enlightened, changed, and a better person.

Deepened Concern

Today I felt I need a new love song, one new great love song that describes my feelings. I feel so inspired, energized, happy, and once again in a cloud nine. This feeling comes so strange to me, though I had a six-month long relationship before. This time I feel so renewed and ready to hit-me-baby-one-more-time.

We had a very casual and promiscuous start. We just met yesterday, (I really dont think if I needed to include that information, it might just spoil the thrill, but thinking this is a homosexual relationship, it is normal.) so fresh and steaming yet deepened concern.

Deepened concern.
Now forget the love song, now this is about keeping Vincent. You have no idea how hard the situation is. I think I was wasted out of my promiscuousity. Damn, so wasted. I dont wanna say it explicitly, but it concerns my health, "our" health. You got me? D-S-T, just revolve around thise letters and come ride with my story. (Then a big pause and deep breath there.) Now, Im feeling this' right, but screwed it up. Should you conclude I definitely love this guy because I was concern about him about us? I was never concerned or anything for the other guys I've sex with. Im just crazy deeply afraid and guilty that I might gonna lose him. Please God, give him wisdom and enough room for undestanding. This is a big urge.

Guys, I hope we'll see next time again. I hope things will gonna work out.
Just droppin' by.

Chameleon

Everyone needs an identity. A person he can call himself, totally secure of what he has and what he is capable of doing.

I have only been a bitch, a romanticist, or an immaculate church guy. I have been those personalities before, skipping from one persona to another, depending how severe my frustrations impacted me. I never ever had an identity I could call mine. Like a chameleon, constantly adapting with its environment... constantly changing, constantly making a cloak.

There is no ME at all.

I compensate when I'm insecure. I sour grape when outstood. I flight out when stagnated. I regress when desperate. I never had been consistent of a principle.

Now comes the big bitch. I am desperate to find love. I am insecure of my chances. I have been in this long solitude, almost stagnated.

Most times, I pretend to be self-found...

satisfied...

happy...

and complete...

But never are my sex partners completed me. Never I was once truly happy. Never I was been satisfied. Never I had found myself at all.

My Modern Old Asylum

I dont wanna consider myself a martyr. These past days, everytime I go home, all I pretty do is to eat my pride and stretch my patience. Every opportunity to do some chore, I grab it. Every little mess, I clean it up. I just dont wanna hear anything from OJ.

OJ is my new housemate now. He is extremely egocentric. A kind of person who is too proud of himself. Overflowing arrogance. Abyssic insecurity.

He is one of those bitter fellas, like my ex... the monster.

One night he bursted with tears. He admitted that he likes me since we've had this sentimental conversation one evening about our childhood misfortunes. He was a battered kid, and so I was. He told me he was too stupid to fall for me. I was so apathetic that I did not even appreciate all he did for our apartment. He murmured that all those things are for me and not for himself. All, with a total of P25,000, more or less.

Now, I'm suffering with his vehemence.

What is wrong with me? Why it always ends this way? There is always cynicism. Im tired of this animosity.

Someday I know, these things will be over. My hopes are the only ones driving me survive. Every morning as I wake up, I keep on believing that things will gonna be ok. That, no matter how poignant the relationship is, there are still positives left in this apartment that I could enjoy, and just focus on those good ones. Like an asylum, it is where your crazy folks are captive. No enough illumination, no scenes of company, and all you hear are your echoes. It is cold and it is dark. But, until when can I take these? I hope my patience is good enough until I could leave without bad traces. Like Sybil captive from the dark cell, and fused into one sane personality. Well, did I just imply extreme patience and insane perseverance?

"Nah... I hope I'm not sounding martyr. "

"Well, right. Whatever."

Exhaustion

I dont look at myself being good at all. I see a lot of aspects needed to be renewed. The way I groom, the way I work, the way I fall in love and the way I see my self. I know this sounds an issue of self-esteem, more than an issue of love nor of carrer. These past days, I had too much of mental blocks. I do not enjoy a feel good movie, I hardly follow a conversation, my patience seems so shallow, and my understanding seems so limited.

... thanks, I still find comfort with my baby.

I have been so restless lately, striving to cath things up. I am romping up my performance with my job because next month is my make or break for my regularization. I am always bothered about the floor that I need to fix. When should I gonna fix it and until when? Will I end up having a record with the NBI for not fixing the broken floor within the given time frame? Another thing is, my new house mate, no matter how I stretch my patience, I get pist off him. I get mouthed to almost everything I do. He is being unpleasant to my visitors. He is being, most of the time, very unpleasant to my eyes. The idea of him boils my head. However, the only feasible choice is to persevere. Lastly, I lost my wallet just last night, with all the importnat documents and cards. I really really feel so bad with all these happening to me right now. All of these things simultaneously coming in a flash infront of me. This is damn a hair loss.

Optimistically, I wanna move on with flying colors. I dont want to just surrender. I will face them one by one, taking a step at a time. I know the transition period is hard, but the it's the way it is. They freeze my head, but I need to think. I need to think to look for a better solution. I need to rationalize to lighten up my emotions. My body has gotten weak, but still thriving to move on. I must keep on doing what I ritually do but with a little difficulty day by day. A little more effort to be extra careful and calm, and stay civil. Though, I still afford to fire a laugh but less than I drowse of confusion.

Hope and despair are at their verge right now. I'm still coping, living and fighting. I love you, and you kow who you are... the accidental theorist.